Curses: Not Always Bad Unless You're the Captain
by PopePrincess
Summary: Jayne gets drugged. Mayhem of the hot, man-loving type ensues. Simon/Jayne and minor Zoe/Wash, Kaylee/Inara. But mainly Simon/Jayne. Sometimes it sucks to be Mal. Adults only, wink wink. Slight dub-con, slash, het, femslash. Explicit M/M scenes.


Curses: Not Always Bad (Unless You're the Captain) by PopePrincess

Author's note: Is not fluent in Chinese swearing, so just feel free to fling foreign profanity in there at random intervals if you're more knowledgeable of Firefly language than me. Also, unbetaed.

And begin:

Mal came rushing from his quarters when Zoe knocked on his open door, allowed him a second to look up and notice her, then took off down the corridor again.

The loading bay was full of the crew. Book and Wash were barely holding back an irate Jayne. Simon was kneeling over Kaylee who was reclining on the floor, holding her wrist in a way that looked more medical than comforting. Inara was watching, face anxious from nearby Kaylee although she made no move to step closer. River was twirling around some distance away, completely transfixed by the ceiling revolving in her vision above her.

Jayne growled as Zoe and Mal approached. His face was red, teeth bared. He looked like an animal, wide bracing stance drawing attention to the very obvious erection trapped in his pants.

"What happened?" Mal demanded, coming forward to crouch by Kaylee.

"I'm fine," Kaylee said, sitting properly up, Simon and Mal helping her. Her voice shook and so Mal paid no attention to her comment.

"Zoe," Mal murmured, tilting his head. Zoe was instantly by his side, pulling Kaylee up firmly and wrapping an arm around her. Zoe nodded once and moved Kaylee a few metras away to recover.

Mal stood, watching silently and then levelled one of his most menacing glares at Jayne. "Just what the gorram hell is going on here?"

"Jayne came in, back from his trip, and without warning and or any other signal, grabbed Kaylee and kissed her. Zoe and Simon managed to puller him off of her before there was too much… groping," Book said, sighing in that way he did that simultaneously conveyed weariness and disapproval. "And Jayne hasn't calmed down since."

"There's clearly something wrong," Simon said, slipping unconsciously into his soft-spoken, 'trsut-me-I'm-a-doctor' voice. "Can you hold him?" he asked, gesturing towards the hulking Jayne. Mal went over to help, keeping Jayne steady as Simon approached slowly. "I'm just going to check your pulse and pupils, okay? I promise I won't hurt you." Simon reached out two fingers to press them to Jayne's neck, high up under his jaw. Jayne groaned, eyes fluttering at the contact. Whatever he felt made him frown. "Just hold on," he murmured soothingly, taking out a pen light and aiming it at Jayne's face. Jayne didn't react to the light being shone in his eyes, blinking or trying to move his head, just staring with worrying intensity at Simon's face. Simon's frown deepened. "Something's definitely wrong with him," Simon stated. "His heart is beating way too fast and his pupils are dilated. I think he's been drugged."

On the last syllable Jayne managed to break free of their hold. The three men were busy listening to Simon's diagnosis, holds loosening the tiniest amount so that when Jayne abruptly roared and flung them away from him Book tumbled to the floor and Wash and Mal were barely able to catch themselves from doing the same.

Simon let out a startled grunt as Jayne gripped him by the arms and slammed him forward into Jayne's chest, Simon's mouth falling open in fear. So when Jayne plastered his own mouth over Simon's' , lips rough and chapped, he was easily able to insert his tongue into the startled man's mouth. The next instant rough, so very large hands were gripping his butt cheeks and pulling their groins closer until Simon could feel Jayne's belt buckle digging into his belly button and something else digging into his upper thigh, the smell of pure masculinity and alcohol drowning his sense.

Simon froze, time slowing down as he tried to unravel what the hell was going on and then Jayne was being pulled back again. Time sped up and Simon came back to himself enough to wipe the back of his hand over his mouth and nod in the affirmative to Mal's 'are you alright there, Doc?'.

"I want him," Jayne growled, body trembling, muscles straining with the effort to lean forward although he wasn't actively fighting their grip at the moment. "His skin's softer." Both Kaylee and Simon looked insulted at that comment.

The next instant Jayne was down and it took Simon a moment to realise Mal had pistol-whipped him.

"What the hell was that?" asked Wash.

"If I might offer up a suggestion," said Book, voice deep and calming. Everyone nodded, more or less simultaneously. "I would assume this was a practical joke."

"Practical joke?" asked Inara, outraged.

"Yes. As I am aware of it, Jayne went out to meet up with some old friends," Book said and Mal nodded encouragingly. "On the planet we're docked at there is a local, ancient remedy for, shall we say, first wedding night nerves. It causes an insatiable lust that demands sexual intercourse. If I'm not mistaken, and if I may make the assumption Jayne's friends are as upright, moral citizens as Jayne is, it's highly probable they slipped him a little of the remedy in his drink."

"So what? We let him… jerk one off, and all's good?" Wash asked. If Zoe had been closer she'd probably have slapped him upright the head.

"No," Simon mused. "If it's for first night… wedding, stuff, then it'll most likely only subside after actual copulation." Normally Mal would make fun of Simon over the word 'copulation' for being so prissy but he saw Simon was fully in doctor mode. "We only have a few minutes before he wakes back up. Let's get him strapped down in the infirmary. And if someone could get me a sample of this 'remedy', I might be able to find a cure or something to at least nullify the symptoms."

Mal took Jayne's shoulders, Wash took his feet and both Zoe and Book grabbed a hold of some other part of him (all that muscle made Jayne even heavier than his height indicated), and they started off to the infirmary, following Simon.

Meanwhile Inara started moving towards the engine and Kaylee's quarters, bringing a slightly shaky Kaylee with her, River following them, skipping.

Jayne was just starting to stir when they'd finished putting the restraints on him on the upright table. He immediately grunted and started straining against them. The table creaked but held.

"Calm down," Simon ordered forcefully, swabbing a patch of Jayne's skin with a medicinal wipe. Jayne quietened a little and went back to staring at Simon like he was a gorgeous, dripping steak and Jayne was a ravenous predator.

Despite the situation Mal still thought it was funny that Simon met Jayne's gaze once and then blushed, eyes dropping and not looking directly at him again.

"If you guys could get that sample sooner rather than later, that'd be great," Simon commented. "I'm not sure how long Jayne's body can keep up this level of tension without harming himself."

Mal nodded. He might not particularly care for Jayne the way he did Zoe, Kaylee or Inara, or hell, even Wash, but that didn't mean he was going to let a member of his crew get hurt on his watch. "Let's head out. Zoe, you coming?"

"I'll come too," Wash eagerly butted in. Mal nodded because it was easier and there was no way Wash could properly stuff this up or manage to get himself into serious trouble.

"I'm going up to pray," Book announced. Mal resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Figured sooner or later the holy man would run out of the ability to be useful.

"You be alright, doc?" Mal asked.

Simon looked up briefly from where he was flicking the jabby end of a needle and nodded once, eyebrows drawn low in concentration.

Simon let out a huge gust of air as soon as the others disappeared. He looked up meeting Jayne's eyes, seeing the heat there and feeling an answering stirring of heat in his low stomach and lower. He was kissing Jayne again before he even realised, throwing the needle to the other side of the room to shatter. Jayne was actually *really* good at kissing, Simon realised. Like woah, toe-tingling, fuck-me-now kind of good. Their tongues met and time and time again Simon ended up being defeated, his own tongue being shoved back into his own mouth and Jayne laying claim to every inch of his mouth, fucking between his lips with his tongue.

Oh, that was so, so good. It took an eternity for Simon to realise it could be even better and his fingers started fumbling with the latch on one of Jayne's wrist restraints. The fire inside of him was growing higher, flames tickling his skin and making him overly-sensitive.

The whole untying thing would have gone a whole lot quicker if Simon would have been willing to detach their mouths. But that didn't make any sense when Jayne was a *freaking ridiculous good kisser*. Why hadn't they been doing this months ago?

As soon as one wrist was free Jayne was ripping the other one off, pulling the actual leather strap away with him form the table. Necessity meant they separate and hunker down, Jayne unbuckling one strap while Simon struggled with the other.

The second Jayne was free he threw himself at Simon, causing them to *whumf* onto the ground, the breath temporarily leaving Simon's body with the heavyweight of Jayne's body bearing down on him. But Simon found out in that moment that he liked it, like the feeling of someone heavier than him on top of him, the feeling of restriction and constriction, being held down, Jayne's thick very awake and interested cock perfectly aligned on top of his. Simon groaned silently, and his mouth was instantly claimed in another one of those dominating kisses, stealing what little breath he'd managed to regain. His legs were spread wide open to accommodate the girth of Jayne's well-muscled body.

Jayne pulled off for a second to gasp "You're so gorram pretty," grinding down heavily, making Simon whimper needfully.

"Kiss me," Simon cried. Jayne immediately re-joined their mouths, lifting his hips slightly to unbuckle his belt. Simon caught on and helped, pulling the leather through loops, tugging the button undone on Jayne's pants so forcefully it pinged off and rolled away. Simon pulled down the other man's zipper while Jayne started to work on Simon's button and sipper.

Simon had a rush akin to the feeling he got when he successfully saved someone's life when Jayne arched, hips stuttering and pre-cum streaming when Simon reached into his pants and pulled out his heavy, large cock, running his hand up and down the pulsating column of flesh.

Soon Simon's pants and underwear were being tugged down his thighs, knees, catching on his shoes which Jayne then pulled off his feet with a growl. He was in his socks and pants when Jayne spread his legs wide by a grip on his ankles, shuffling forward until Jayne's cock was aimed at Simon's' dimpled hole.

"You sure?" Jayne managed to still himself enough to ask.

"Do it," Simon moaned. Jayne moved forward, spongy head nudging at where he so badly wanted to be buried.

"This your first time?" Jayne stopped again and asked, face screwed up with want and something else Simon was too turned on to bother cataloguing. Simon nodded, because yeah, it was. Jayne swore and reached out into one of the cupboards, door slamming open with a bang that made Simon flinch, Jayne's cock slipping down his crack, leaving a warm trail of pre-cum.

Jayne gasped and bit his lower lip, trying not to compare the way it felt to be nestled between the doctor's butt cheeks and between a woman's breasts. He knocked over some things that clattered and rolled over the floor before grabbing a tube of something that was half-squeezed empty. Jayne tore the cap off and squirted a huge quantity onto his fingers, swearing slightly as it ran over his fingers to land in white dollops of liquid over Simon's porcelain-pale and smooth belly.

Jayne gulped and managed to slick up his erection, smearing what was left over between Simon's cheeks before diving back, Simon wrapping legs around his waist as Simon pulled him higher up into Jayne's lap, notching his cock at Simon's opening and *finally* sinking in.

Both men cried out simultaneously. All of Jayne's self-control had left him and he didn't wait to decipher whether Simon's yell was one of pain or pleasure. The younger man was so tight, so hot. Untouched. The reality that Simon had never done this before, with anyone, finally sunk in and Jayne growled, the knowledge urging him to thrust faster, sink deeper, to make tender skin and squeezing muscle stretch to accommodate him.

Mal, Zoe and Wash hadn't been able to locate Jayne's friends, who'd vacated the pub by the time they got there. And no-one was willing to answer any of their questions about the remedy, which was apparently now illegal due to the whole consent issue problem.

The three of them returned, dejected, to the ship, Mal leading the way back down to the infirmary. Failure settled heavily on his shoulders, quickly replaced with worry when he realised the vertical bench in the infirmary was now empty and he couldn't see the doctor either.

The three of them rushed into the infirmary, Mal's eyes darting around the room until they settled on the floor of the left side of the room where a mostly-clothed Jayne and de-pantsed Simon were writhing against each other. Jayne was thrusting in powerful movements. Because of their positions; Jayne lying fully atop Simon, their mouths and tongues tangled together, Jayne couldn't get any real purchase so his thrusts were heavy, rocking them both, but to a slow beat.

Mal was busy staring in fascinated horror to really notice Zoe's uncomfortable cough, or Wash's 'Woo-hoo'. What broke him out of his reverie was River's comment who'd come up silently behind them.

"Ingestion of the plant products causes sexual arousal. Within the first six to eight hours ingestion of contaminated saliva can cause similar symptoms in other individuals," River montotoned, head tilted as she took in expressionless curiosity as she watched her brother be mated by Jayne.

Mal knew that River was a little screwed up in the head but even for this… well, this was definitely crossing some sort of very big not meant-to-be-broken line. Mal herded the others out of the room, prodding River when she paused. The other two hadn't even paused in their animalistic humping at their arrival so Mal figured it was best to give them their peace.

"So you're saying Jayne and Simon kissed and Simon became affected?" Wash asked once they were away from the infirmary. River nodded, dark hair spilling over her shoulders with the motion.

"Alleviation of the symptoms will occur once completion is mutually reached."

"But why would Simon kiss Jayne?" Wash asked.

"He didn't. Jayne kissed him earlier in the…" *loading bay, where Kaylee had also been kissed,* Mal realised.

"Kaylee," yelled Mal, imagining Kaylee desperate and strung out like Jayne had been.

"That's being taken care of," River said as they prepared to rush towards the engine room.

"Huh?" Wash asked.

"That's why I'm here. Inara asked me to give them their privacy," River informed them, playing with a strand of her hair as she spoke to it.

"Inara and Kaylee…" Wash said, eyes wide. Zoe grabbed his arm and pulled him back before he could continue on his route down to the engine room.

"Huh," said Mal.

"So what do we do, Captain?" Zoe asked, one of those rare occasions were she sounded unsure.

"Copulation can result in lethargy, thirst and hunger," River supplied. "These effects will be heightened with the addition of certain chemical compounds."

"Right," said Wash, before frowning. "So…?"

"Go make them something to eat," Mal ordered. His eyes landed on River. "You, go see if Book wants to help and assist him if he requires it. I'm going to… I'm going to go check up on…" Inara and Kaylee? Simon and Jayne? "I'm going to go get some alcohol from the stores," Mal announced. He thought after this they could all do with a drink. The others thankfully dispersed without arguing.

Things were noticeably and understandably silent and awkward at dinner. Wash kept trying to make conversation, but neither Zoe nor Mal contributed anything, instead focusing on their dinners and not letting their gaze wonder to the matching hickeys on Inara and Kaylee's necks or the way Simon's mouth looked like he'd been mauled, lips large and puffy and redder than normal. Or the way he'd sat down and winced, or the way he couldn't seem to sit still, constantly shifting his weight from hip to hip. Or the way Jayne wasn't even *trying* to keep the super-smug and satisfied grin off his face. Or the way he kept staring at Simon, meaning Simon who didn't look up once from his plate except to answer a question of River's, was nonetheless constantly flushed.

Simon got himself drunk off the numerous bottles of grog Mal had brought up. Jayne drank twice as much as Simon, although he held his liquor a lot better. Personally Mal had his suspicions Jayne was just drinking so much in order to trick Simon into thinking that he wasn't drinking as much. Jayne had moved around the table to take River's place when she'd left earlier when the booze had been brought out, accompanying Inara. And Mal didn't think anyone but Simon failed to notice the way Jayne was constantly re-filling Simon's glass.

Wash and Zoe left sometime around when the second bottle was emptied, off to do couple things. They were the only two married people on the ship and so fair's fair they got some hanky-panky the same day everyone else was. Kaylee made her way out unsteadily at some point as well, Book offering her a steadying arm although he seemed to be none too steady himself.

Which somehow left Mal alone in a room with a severely tipsy Simon and Jayne. Who were currently making out. Neither seemed to be aware that he was there, staring at them through blurry eyes, frowning in an effort to make them stop with the power of his mind or at least include him, because he was the captain dammit and so why was he the only one not getting any wild sex?

At that point, where he was jealous of *Simon* and *Jayne*, Mal knew it was time to leave. Hopefully the current kissing was just a short-term effect of the sex remedy and everything would go back to normal soon.

A few months later when the doctor was hurt accompanying Mal to a meet in order to impress the fancy-schmancy client and was injured, Mal had to patch him up. Nothing serious, thankfully the other guys had only had knives. But that didn't stop Mal from seeing the handprint, larger than his own (*Jayne's*) imprinted on Simon's hip or the bruises at the juncture of where his neck met shoulder, covered by day by his shirts, and the bruise over his left nipple (*hickeys*) as Mal followed Simon's instructions to apply a specific ointment to the wound and then bandages.

Or the way when back on ship Jayne helped Simon back to his room, hands gentle on him, at first resting low on his hip, and then falling to firmly cup one buttock in a familiar gesture. Mal shook his head, glad no-one else saw because that way it meant it'd actually be happening; Simon and *Jayne* of all people, would be in a slowly evolving to long-term relationship which seemed to be both physically and emotionally fulfilling. If only Mal knew about it, he was mad. But if the rest of the crew or the world knew it then that would mean the whole world had gone mad.

Mal wasn't sure he could take it if his world got any crazier than it already was.

And for my lovely readers— Gratuitous Schmoopy Smut…

Jayne loved how soft Simon was. So pale and smooth. He healed well, which Jayne was grateful for because it left him without scars. And Jayne could go on believing that Simon was pure and unexperienced; something precious and cherish-able for Jayne to look after, so different from himself. If Simon ever scarred the way Jayne's own body was covered in, Jayne thought maybe he'd cry over it.

He was so perfect like this. One time Jayne'd tied Simon to the bed, then covered the doctor's eyes to guard his expression from Simon's eyes, and let his body worship Simon's. He was paler and softer than most women Jayne had been with and sometimes Jayne just liked to run his hands over every single inch of him. Covering him in lotion or oil, until he was shiny and slick all over and smelt like a prince.

So sometimes Jayne would be slow, loving, tender, the way Simon deserved to be treated.

And sometimes he was rough, claiming, enjoying the way Simon begged for Jayne to mark him. Jayne got an erotic thrill out of seeing the bruises and scratches on Simon, enjoyed the way Simon enjoyed them, a dark hungry part of him growling *mine* as Jayne took Simon bent over or against a wall, letting his fingers dig in. A dark part of him that typically came out on missions when he let himself kill, let himself enjoy it, also liked to mar the perfection that was his lover, as if Jayne could bring him down to his level. Make him into his whore. But Jayne could entertain that fantasy at certain times. Usually even when their love-making was rough Jayne made sure to be careful and gentle with his lighter lover, the way he deserved.

Jayne's worry that Simon would leave him lessened a little with every month that passed, every year. Simon was Jayne's opposite in so many ways which meant he was better than Jayne in so many ways. Ridiculously smart, caring, polite. Jayne admired it in him, oftentimes felt insecure if he compared himself to Simon. But Simon had once admitted he liked how different Jayne was to him; how manly, tough, aggressive. So even though their difference caused them to argue almost incessantly at first, they soon fell into a rhythm. If a real decision had to be made where they had opposing views they didn't talk about it angry and there were some other topics, unimportant ones, they avoided altogether.

And it worked for them, and Jayne just hoped it kept working. Simon was his other half and if Simon left him he'd take half of him with him.

Thoughts like that usually lead Jayne to hunt down Simon and fuck him against the nearest vertical or horizontal surface, trying to fuck Simon hoarse from Simon crying out their union to the universe, even if he didn't realise that was what he was doing. The look on Wash's face when he'd asked them to keep it down next time and Simon's croaked out 'okay' while blushing deeply made up for every crappy thing that had ever happened in Jayne's life ever.

Simon realised this thing between Jayne and him could work a few days after that day where they'd been drugged and had sex, and then later gotten drunk and had sex. When he'd remembered Jayne stopping to lubricate himself so it would be easier for Simon. It seemed impossible to have stopped in the middle of such a drug craze but the only way it was possible if was Jayne had really cared, and under that rough exterior was a man who could be gentle and kind and considerate.

And Simon had been right. After a particularly large haul they'd all had a little extra spending money than usual, and Jayne had spent most of his money on a collection of spreadable condiments, like honey and chocolate sauce and berry conserve and thickened cream. And used them to decorate Simon in them so he could lick them off.

Simon had smelt like one of the most decadent desserts on earth for a few days after.

He'd returned the favour of course. Simon loved honey and Jayne had been more than eager to get with the program when Simon knelt between his thighs and raised the jar before spreading it over Jayne's impressively erect cock, sliding down to cover his balls which Simon had eagerly lapped away at.

Before he'd come Jayne had pulled Simon off of him, hips jerking at the sound of disappointment Simon made, quickly slathered his penis in real lubricant and sat Simon down on his lap, impaling him to the root and watching as Simon bounced up and down as best he could with his legs spread so wide before Jayne took over, jerking Simon up and down on his dick. That had been so hot.

Simon had to face the fact he was what could be could be technically labelled a cock-slut. He loved the feel of Jayne coming inside of him, how he could fill and stretch him in a way his own fingers couldn't. And he loved the smell of Jayne's muck rising between their bodies as Simon was helplessly fucked to within an inch of his life.

Simon loved the smell of Jayne. He smelt so masculine, his natural smell combined with his basic shampoo and soap, and sweat that had testosterone pouring form him in waves. The abundance of pheromones Jayne gave off after he'd been fucking him or working out was heady. The visual alone of Jayne's muscles bulging as he lifted weights that possibly weighed more than Simon did was enough to make Simon go all tingly and feel like something important was missing, something only Jayne could fill. Preferably with his dick…

Simon wondered when Jayne was at the moment, if he was in their make-shift gym in the loading bay…. Couldn't hurt to go check.

Mal just missed the days were Simon and Mal didn't classify him as furniture and wouldn't have dared make out in front of him. Mal didn't know how it had happened; how when the two of the lovebirds were in the same room together he became invisible. It wasn't just Simon and Jayne… he remembered having this same problem with Zoe and Wash after Wash had decided to shave that damn moustache off.

Mal had told Wash and Zoe that if they ever started undressing in front of him again, he was going to put them in the airlock and send them into space. Mal wondered if the same threat would work on Jayne and Simon. Probably only if he threatened them with separate airlocks.

And above we have Exhibit A of ways PopePrincess procrastinates studying when she has an exam tomorrow morning. Yay!

Note: Reviews are like candy-coated kisses to a writer's soul.


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